That Lunchbox Thing
As a board member for the Crayton Middle School Educational Foundation, I put my own warped spin on the otherwise tried-and-true silent auction fundraiser.

   The annals of Lunchbox History are resplendent with the names of American heroes and legends. The 50’s had Hopalong Cassidy and Zorro. The 60’s had James T. Kirk and George Jetson. The 70’s had Keith Partridge and Fat Albert. The 80’s had Luke Duke and Mr. T. Now’s your chance to add your name to the list. 
   The Crayton Educational Foundation invites you to make Lunchbox History at it’s premier fundraising event for Crayton Middle School, Out of the Box 2000, October 19th, 7 p.m. at the South Carolina State Museum. 
   The unprecedented art exhibition and silent auction will feature cocktails, hors d'oeuvres, music, conversation and ... the decidedly rare opportunity to place competitive bids on ... lunchboxes! The Foundation is unveiling 30 custom-designed, one-of-a-kind metal lunchboxes. Each piece has been designed by local elementary, middle and high school students, celebrities and professional artists. Blue Sky. Lou Holtz. Toni Elkins. Tommy Bowden. Hootie and the Blowfish. Dick Riley. Dee Hansen. One Earred Cow Glass. Jimmy Buffett. Tim Floyd. Mayor Bob. Anne Hightower Patterson. George W. Bush. Al Gore. Pat Pollard. Post No Bills. Bill Clinton (yes .. THAT Bill Clinton). 
   Imagine lunchboxes adorned with gemstones, tiger stripes and bright lights. Lunchboxes that have been turned into sharks, wild animals, carry-on luggage and patriotic accessories. 
   And get this ... each unique work of art will have a surprise gift inside (and we're not talking about a matching thermos). A couple weeks at Camp Ton-A-Wondah, two nights at an Isle of Palms beach house, a $200 toy castle from BeBeep Toys, tickets to the USC/Clemson game, the 3 Rivers Music Festival, the new aquarium and IMAX theater in Charleston, a razor scooter, teeth bleaching, guitar lessons, canoeing, horseback riding and gift certificates for a gazillion places, ranging from Trustus and Mr. Friendly's to Barefoot Sandal and Regal Cinemas. 
   So .. why lunchboxes? "Like the Foundation, lunchboxes have an immediate lasting association with school,” said Jim Roth, Foundation board member. “They represent good health, sustenance and strength and are linked to socialization, collaboration, integration and fun. Like our Foundation, the lunchbox is a vital, extra part of the school experience. 
   “Plus .. they look really cool!” 
   Out of the Box 2000 is a chance to support Crayton's many academic, cultural and extracurricular programs. All proceeds raised by the Foundation will be spent on projects that go above and beyond the normal school budget. Tickets are $35 each and can be reserved by calling Kay Rowe at 782-3536. Or … buy them at the door!
 

That "As Seen on TV" Thing
To help educate employees about a cutting-edge technological advancement, I marketed the EPIcenter (Palmetto Health's monster software upgrade) along the lines of the Ginsu Knife and the Thighmaster. Each week, employees were able to participate in on-line quizzes to win cool prizes. Those quizzes went a little something like this ...

1) Which of the following life-improving inventions will lead to the complete integration of Palmetto Health's clinical applications and medical records?
a) The Pasta Pro
b) Dura-Shine
c) Darrin's Dance Grooves
d) The EPIcenter

2) The Gopher is to picking up hard-to-reach objects as the EPIcenter is to ...
a) amplifying sound from 60 feet away.
b) tracking Palmetto Health patient data in real time.
c) providing fast acting relief for dryness, itching and flaking of the feet.
d) guaranteeing a spot- and stain-free finish all year round.

3) Which of the following statements is true of the EPIcenter?
a) It will maximize your engine's performance with its patented swirling action.
b) It comes with a handmade decorative planter and grows a full coat in just two weeks.
c) It provides employees with easier access to patient data.
d) It whips up everything from quick snacks to complete meals in a fraction of the time.


1) Which of the following life-improving inventions will provide employees with easier access to patient data?
a) The Kitchen Wizard
b) The EPIcenter
c) The Wrap, Snap and Go Curling System
d) The Steam Buggy

2) The ThighMaster is to firming and toning your inner and outer thighs as the EPIcenter is to ...
a) relieving tension and soothing sore muscles.
b) reviewing pathology reports online.
c) removing dents and dings from any car in a matter of minutes.
d) providing an unlimited range of motion with its patented dual-action split suspension.

3) Which of the following statements is true of the EPIcenter?
a) Its stylish design creates a high-powered suction that captures and kills unwanted pests.
b) It preserves the freshness, flavor, color and nutrients of food for up to five times as long as conventional food storage methods.
c) It is the only weight reducing, health enhancing product specifically designed to alkalize and energize at the same time.
d) It provides immediate access to lab results, radiology results and transcribed documents.

That James Bond Thing
A few years ago, the folks planning the South Carolina Cancer Center's board of directors retreat asked me to help ... liven things up a bit. So, I soaked the whole thing in Bondian intrigue and tongue-in-cheek spyfare. Why be normal?

SENT BY: MI6
ATTENTION: AGENT X
MISSION: YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE
COVER: PALMETTO HEALTH SOUTH CAROLINA CANCER CENTER BOARD OF DIRECTORS RETREAT
WINDOW: AUGUST 1-3, 2003
SITE: CHARLESTON HARBOR RESORT AND MARINA
CLEARANCE: FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

WARNING. MI6 intelligence validates: your Charleston mission has been compromised by a rogue Double O agent in league with SPECTRE. As suspected, the Board of Directors Retreat is a front for the Special Executive’s latest diabolical bid for world domination. Fact, the Charleston Harbor Resort and Marina will be a hotbed of criminal activity August 1-3. All MI6 operatives are being scrambled, must assume new mission identity. Encryption follows.

Your new first name is based on the third letter of your actual first name. A=Ernst. B=Horst. C=Karl. D=Doctor. E=Emilio. F=Fransisco. G=Felix. H=Hugo. I=Alec. J=Julius. K=Kananga. L=Baron. M=Mister. N=Aristotle. O=Kamal. P=Renard. Q=Bruno. R=Red. S=Stavro. T=Auric. U=Maximillian. V=Count. W=Oddjob. X=Algernon. Y =Ian. Z=Nick Nack. ______________________________________________

Your new last name is based on the third letter of your actual last name. A=Blofeld. B=Carver. C=Sanchez. D=Stromberg. E=Scaramanga. F=Orlov. G=Grant. H=Krest. I=Lazenby. J=Kidd. K=Kristatos. L=Largo. M=Grishenko. N=No. O=Osato. P=Stamper. Q=Tanaka. R=Goldfinger. S=Khan. T=Drax. U=Chang. V=Wint. W=Smithers. X=Tanner. Y=Zukovsky. Z=Zorin. ______________________________________________

As the premiere agent in Her Majesty’s Secret Service, you are sworn to:

1) Secure hotel accommodations by July 2. Phone the Charleston Harbor resort, 1-888-856-0028. Register under your actual name, not your mission identity. Be sure to indicate your participation in the Palmetto Health event. For more information, check out the Resort’s website (www.charlestonharborresort.com) or call Angela Merck (mission identity, Fiona Ryder), 803-917-5873.

2) Infiltrate Friday evening’s soirée on the terrace (6:30-9:30 p.m.). Do not be distracted, Agent X, by the obligatory Bond girls, martinis (shaken, not stirred) and harbor breeze. Expect to recognize fellow MI6 operatives in the crowd. M has authorized your License to Mingle. However, be advised, HQ has yet to determine the identity of the SPECTRE mole. Seek out the woman in the red hat. Whisper your mission identity to her and await further instructions.

This message will not self-destruct in 10 seconds. Because . . . well . . . that was a Mission:Impossible thing, not a James Bond thing.